First attempt
Hey everyone. I just made my first attempt at actually writing lyrics. Was wondering if anybody had some feedback on any of this.
Thank you in advance:
Verse:
Every time I see you smile
It brightens up my day
I pray to God, every night
That these feelings, go away
You make me laugh, with every joke
I wonder if you know
That every time I look at you
I want to share what's in my soul
Bridge:
These thoughts of you keep me up at night
Memories we'll never make
Feelings I cannot shake
But I've got only myself to blame
Chorus:
I don't know why, you make me feel this way
Spent too much time, thinking of what to say
I wish I hadn't felt so afraid
To tell you what I feel inside and now my chance has gone away
Verse:
I pictured us, having drinks together
Just talking and having fun
But my stupid mind and trepidation
Stop us seeing what we'd become
I've pictured us flying off to see
The world's wonders, just you and me
But my fear of opening up
Cost me that chance forever
Chorus:
I don't know why, you make me feel this way
Spent too much time, thinking of what to say
I wish I hadn't felt too afraid
To tell you what I feel inside and now my chance has gone away
Comments
-
There's a lot to like here. It's full of emotion, and it feels real and poignant.
And it's already well structured into Verse/Chorus/Bridge.
You make good use of rhyme, but there's a couple of spots where it doesn't (like 'blame' in the bridge and 'forever' in v2) and these tend to stand out more because you rhyme consistently elsewhere. So I'd look to see if you can make those rhyme too.
A technical thing: in this line "But my fear of opening up" - 'up' is a short, clipped, closed word to end on. It makes it more awkward to sing and linger on. Where you can, try to end on more open vowel sounds.
And you need a title!
I think many people would relate to the feelings you're portraying here.
1 -
I appreciate it. I agree with the points of blame and forever, and I also thought the "up" was a bit awkward. Reading some of it can sound a bit clunky but the melody I have in my head works for the weird line that have more syllables.
I also do have a title that I'm not 100% sure on yet: "Imagined Moments"
0 -
Hey,
I think we have a good one here. At some points a bit rough but if you have your melody and it fits, it’s ok with me. Need to hear it then.
I agree with rainydayman on the rhyme topic, you got a good flow and suddenly it’s gone but comes back….i would work this out.
A little thing that got my attention: like many starters you use „filling words“ a lot where they aren’t needed:
Just talking AND having fun…try and skip words like that. ‚Just talking, having fun‘ …works fine.
Oh and maybe: keep me up at night…would get a better flow if it’s ‚up all night‘…but I’m not completely sure about that, depends on what you really want to say. Just thinking that ‚up at‘ are two stop vowels that makes it difficult to sing.
Anyway, I do like it, the message and the topic.
Hope I could have been helpful!
RK1 -
Yeah i kept finding myself singing "Up all night" even when I was reading it off the page. Thanks for the input, i really appreciate it seeing as this is my first foray into writing lyrics. The issue is with singing, I'm not very good. I always wanted to write songs in some way but since i turned like 12 and puberty hit, I couldn't sing. My best bet is getting someone else to sing it for me if i ever publish it in any way at some point
0 -
"Imagined Moments" is a great title! Catchy and evocative and very fitting.
2 -
Hi Flood,
Welcome to the forum and to the world of songwriting.
An excellent first effort which displays some talent.
You've come to the right place for friendly an unbiased feedback.
I'll add a few little points to those already mentioned by the other guys.
When you are starting off, I recommend beginning with a tried and tested structure which is the staple for most songwriters. Once you become more experienced then play around with structures to your hearts content. Use VVCVCBC and keep each section to four lines. Try to vary the rhyming scheme between sections to add some variation. There are some very useful tips and advice contained in the resources section of the site, so make good use of those.
Finally, if you want to hear your lyrics sung and set to music, try out a Ai Music Generator, I recommend Suno for beginners, there is a free option and I strongly recommend you stay with that for the moment.
Follow the instructions and you'll quickly get the hang of it.
When it asks you for a prompt, put this in for now,
male vocals, sad ballad, melancholy, male vocal, acoustic guitar and piano, swirling violins and cello, sweeping organ
You'll be surprised at what comes out.
Hope you've enjoyed your visit and decide to become a regular.
Any questions, just ask, glad to help.
Sid
1 -
Van Gogh was told that he can’t paint, and he said to himself: now it’s on me to paint, paint, paint! Sing it, even as a Demo Recording but it’s on you to show the world! And besides that, how many singer get Grammys and you think…Ufff why him/her?!
Singing comes from the heart!
RK0 -
I've taken this onboard and have probably spent way too much time on Suno now.
I'm probably going to leave another post with my preferred version Suno gives me with any updated lyrics
0
Howdy, Stranger!