We Had A Deal
https://suno.com/s/1A8pFLq0BfJZRpF8
My lyric, my melody as always.
[Verse 1]
Jenny couldn't wait for the day
when Jimmy said she could go away with him
on a long and all day ride
She showed up in time to watch him go
with 4 of his friends
She ran into the road, grabbed his handle bars and said
[Chorus]
You can't leave not without me
We had a deal don't you remember
You swore, you promised I could come
You can't take it back, it's a done deal
Don't you dare go back on a promise
It's not fair and I don't care who you tell
We had a deal
[Verse 2]
Since the day they both turned one
she'd follow him and he would run away
She had to make a deal
She said I know you're the one that's strong
I'm trying to keep up is that so wrong of me
I want to come along
[Chorus]
Cause you can't leave now without me
We had a deal don't you remember
You swore, you promised I could come
You can't take it back, it's a done deal
Don't you dare go back on a promise
It's not fair and I don't care who you tell
We had a deal
Verse
Her cell phone rang and she caught her breath
When Jimmy said I'm scared to death can you come
I think I've done it now
All those years of running away finally caught up with me today
I'm afraid I don't want to be alone
She stepped through the door over needles and pain
Kicked a dirty spoon and swore at the shame and she screamed
You promised you would wait
[Chorus]
Cause you can't leave now without me
We had a deal don't you remember
I swore, I promised I would come
You can't take it back, it's a done deal
Don't you dare go back on a promise
It's not fair, don't you care
I'm gonna tell
We had a deal
Comments
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Great recording! Very professional and polished.
Good structure to the song. Like how you're ending the chorus on your hook - gives it emphasis. And there's definitely progression in the storyline from childhood to addict.
Not sure about "Jimmy" and "Jenny" as names, it feels too light / generic, like it's making the song less important. That could be a purely personal reaction though, so best to get different opinions there.
I don't really empathize with these characters. Jenny feels needy, and Jimmy seems like a bit of an a**. And for me, that means the final verse and chorus don't land as hard emotionally. If I cared more, it would hit harder. But again, could be personal reaction.
I think there's strong technique showing here, but I'm not really keen on the story.
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Well, you have some good points there. Jimmy and Jenny, just random names I picked out. It probably needs some work and I only have 3 minutes to create that brother /sister bond, cus you know little sisters always wanna follow their big brothers and do what they do.
Great feedback!! Thank you so much.
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Agree about the time limits! But it's the constraints that bring out the magic. How do I condense what could be pages of text into a single verse? When you can, it is amazing!
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For the names, maybe even "Ginny" and "James"? Very close to what you have but just a little less trope. But I don't doubt you can choose your own names!!
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I think I just picked the two J names because it sounds like a parent would name siblings. Maybe it's just a movie I'm seeing in my head of her running out and straddling his front wheel and grabbing his handlebars while he's trying to run off with his friends. You're right, edit edit edit make every word count.
Why do we do this craft?? LOL It's like finding a piece of hay in a haystack. LOL
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I thought those names sounded familiar. Brian May used them in Queen's song Brighton Rock. :)😂
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I've used Jenny a few times , easy fix use ungue names . I didn't see the brother as a jerk , typical kid
Shock twist he turned into a drug addict
Fresh angle Kay-Lynn
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We all see different things 😁 That's why it's good to get different opinions!
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Besides obsessing over the names, is the story coming through?
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I think it's about two junkies, but that's my take.
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Or at least one. Childhood friends / sweethearts. They made a deal that she could be part of whatever he was doing, though he often broke that deal and "went on ahead".
As adults she gets the phone call from him. He's likely OD'd and "going on ahead" in a very different way. She tries to keep him alive by reminding him of their childhood deal - though it's more a wail of despair.
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It's a brother, little sister relationship.... Big brother wants to run with his friends and leave little sister behind. But when they grow up he over doses and knows he went too far and wants little sister to be with him not wanting to die alone.
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Yep, could certainly be brother/sister. That would make 'Since the day they both turned one ' make sense, if they were twins turning one together.
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Yup Brother and Sister, and thank you for picking up on the "since the day they both turned one".
That's one of the things about songwriting, you have to say IT, without SAYING it. That's the fun part!
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i look at writing like painting, you have a blank canvas to create whatever world you want, it may make sense, it be nothing more than flowery prose, but it's yours and nobody can take that away
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I heard this 4 months ago
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Yup, you did. Thanks for remembering.
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I have a excellent memory , except where I left my keys
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Howdy, Stranger!