Seasons V2
Re-worked it a bit.
Words me; music Suno
https://suno.com/s/qu5NRP06hfPq6lPd
[Verse 1]
Springtime birds at play, during the day
Chirping crickets sing beneath the moonlight
Sprouts to leaves on a newly growing tree
Thick roots grow as transitory time flows
[Verse 2]
Summertime lazy days under sun's rays
Nights glowing campfires, never tire
Shifting warm sands, melt time's hands
Sand castles slowly crawl to fall's call
[Verse 3]
Golden leaves shed trees, the heat flees
Green grass sleeps, the summer sun weeps
Children drift away, as adults toil long days
A corroded cog in machines of dashed dreams
[Verse 4]
Cold winter's breeze, icicled eaves
Fauna slumbers deep, sentiments we keep
Youthful moments past, time now old cast
Seasons slowly shift, soul in shadows drift
[Outro]
Seasons always pass, come and go
Like ocean tides, ebb and flow
Souls are here, then are gone
Lost at night, absent in dawn
In a forest of many familial trees
All since departed, there is, only me
Comments
-
@sidshovel - thanks. is it relatable? one of the criticism of my lyrics is they there isn't a connection. I was trying to write it in a way that everybody should be able to connect on some level. but this doesn't seem to be generating anything on Suno.
0 -
I like V2, I can see the personal progression there in each verse, but understated, not dominating it. Something to find if you look for it.
Musically, I think Suno really kicks into gear at the Outro, very nice there!
And the whole feels very accessible to a general audience, at least to me.
0 -
@RainyDayMan - thanks for the feedback Owen. I'm never sure. :)
0 -
This melody is perfect for the lyrics, and it's more heartfelt than the other versions. As far as dumbing it down/more relatable for some of us, ummm, ummmm, huh? :-)
I'm not understanding passing seasons with this line: "corroded cog in machines of dashed dreams."
Overall, it's still a good heartfelt song.
0 -
The consequence of your particular genre and art form is that your listeners are often left walking a tightrope! For every one getting to the end there are a dozen who fall off. Nature of the beast I'm afraid. The images you see clearly in your mind very often don't translate to others via words. The medium is too subjective to allow a more narrow interpretation, witness the different options Suno gives you when entering the same lyrics with different prompts!
Do you compromise or stay true to yourself, a subject for the General Discussion?
Sid
0 -
@TammyB - I'm not dumbing it down at all. just writing it in a way that's less cold. One of the main criticisms of my lyrics are that there isn't an emotional connection. "corroded cog in a machine of dashed dreams" isn't so much about passing seasons, but evoking a sentiment within that season. feeling trapped.
1 -
To conform or not, is the conundrum. But what's interesting, this version is generating less hits than the first version on Suno. so not sure why.
0 -
@sidshovel - these are lyrics by Steve Wilson of porcupine trees. I was trying to emulate his style in this song. please let me know if this makes sense -
Cold windowpane
A car upturned in the rain
Wait on in vain
Don't try to bear the blame
Deal with the pain
Dust down your wings again
You need to clear away all the jetsam in your brain
And face the truth
Well, love can make amends, while the darkness always ends
You're still alone, so drive home
A pause without end
A moment in time suspends
How could she leave?
Release all your guilt and grieve
Give up your pain
Hold up your head again
You need to clear away all the jetsam in your brain
And face the truth
Well, love can make amends, while the darkness always ends
You're still alone, so drive home
Drive home, drive home
Drive home, drive home
(Drive home, drive home)
(Drive home, drive home, drive home)
0 -
oh okay. I misspoke. Ahhh, thanks for explaining the line to me.
I agree with Sid, when it comes to listeners.
If you write what you are satisfied with then, it's a win-win.
If you are trying to sell records/ acquire a publisher, then I would look into more what the overall listeners are saying. It depends on your end goal.
I love your work. You are not boring and unpredictable, and I can't wait until you drop, drop, drop. :-)
1 -
Short answer: No, I read the first 6-8 lines as someone in a car crash, upturned car, Next I'm asked to believe he should drive home!
By nature, I view things/situations from a pragmatic standpoint, i.e. you can't drive an upturned car! Fans of Steve Wilson may argue that in interpreting the lyric, one should suspend logic and blindly accept whatever premise is being advanced. Fine, but the likelihood is that the majority of listeners will just switch off, and move on! To make the song acceptable to a lot more listeners, I believe, it needs to be anchored to more readily acceptable and recognizable elements/situations. As I stated earlier, this is an interesting can of worms that is best discussed in the General Discussions and by others more qualified than I.
0 -
I interpreted it as someone who has killed his partner in a car crash and is dealing with the consequences. But I don't know if that is correct or not. I wouldn't describe it as clear.
0 -
That's essentially the feedback I've been given many, many times on that other songwriting forum. essentially drive home is a metaphor for moving on. the song is about dealing with grief and loss
0 -
That's essentially what it's about. he can say much in few words. I admire that.
0 -
I'm not a fan of Suno or any AI, or AI products.
0 -
that's fine but you can still comment on the lyrics.
0 -
I'm not sure how this comment helps anyone.
0 -
It doesn't. it could be an old user that created a new account to stir up trouble.
1 -
You're on the wrong bus mate!
Get the Marylebone coach to 9th and Vine
Get off an' ask directions to Muse Songwriters, they'll make you feel at home.
Sid
2 -
You are all entitled to your opinions, but not to derail this thread. This is for feedback on Bill's song. Please stay on track.
If you feel the need to discuss the issue take it to the General Discussion area, though I would say that typically those kind of discussions go round in circles and achieve nothing.
2
Howdy, Stranger!