a place where I belong
[intro piano instrumental 8 bars]
[verse 1]
Spent 18 years in the Corps,
fought in four different wars.
Gave me a medal and a check,
Piped me off as I left the deck.
[verse 2]
Wear my fatigues when I go out,
most of the time I'm all alone.
Don't like noise or neon lights,
need a place to call my home.
[chorus]
People stare at my close-cut hair,
hard to tell, what's right or wrong.
Noise and city just spin my head,
find me a place where I belong.
[piano instrumental 16 bars]
[verse 3]
Car backfires and I start to sweat,
sirens wail, I cling to the dark.
Fears I thought I'd left behind,
only fall away when I'm in the park.
[chorus]
People stare at my close-cut hair,
hard to tell, what's right or wrong.
Noise and city just spin my head,
find me a place where I belong.
[bridge]
Looked around, this wasn't for me,
sold my house, and left the 'hood.
A job in Montana, as a Park Ranger,
No war or noise, just the Redwood.
[chorus]
People stare at my close-cut hair,
hard to tell, what's right or wrong.
Noise and city just spin my head,
find me a place where I belong.
*Hooah!*
[outro banjo instrumental 16 bars]
[fade to end]
additional music and vocals on Soundcloud, Sid Shovel
Comments
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I like the song overall. Got a definite mood going and a story to tell.
I feel like the chorus hasn't hit the heart of that message. To me it's about not belonging in civilian city life, and I found that more in verse 3. Rather than removing what you've got, I'd consider extending the chorus with a further 4 lines cannibalising verse 3:
...existing lines...
People stare at my close-cut hair
Hard to tell, what's right or wrong.
Noise and city just spin my head
Need to find a place where I belong,
Really like this line in the Bridge: "No war or noise, just the Redwood"
I like what the AI did with it, the mood and melody are a good match to the lyric, and the stripped down treatment works well.
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Good points, rather than spread jam on stale bread, I revamped it.
Used v3 as chorus, modified your last line, thought it slightly clunky
New v3 introducing more stress and way out.
[verse 3]
Car backfires and I start to sweat,
sirens wail, I search out the dark.
Fears I thought I'd left behind,
only fall away when I'm in the park.
[chorus]
People stare at my close-cut hair,
hard to tell, what's right or wrong.
Noise and city just spin my head,
find me a place where I belong.
Thanks again for the help, much appreciated.
Sid
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Cool! Yes "Find me a place..." works better.
What do you think of "run to" vs "search out"? Probably 50/50.
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again good call, both too passive though, crave, blend in, embrace, thought?
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updated the audio in soundcloud to reflect changes, check it out and tell me who it sounds like?
The guy lives in your neck of the woods now!
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REVISED LYRICS
a place where I belong.
[intro piano instrumental 8 bars]
[verse 1]
Spent 18 years in the Corps,
fought in four different wars.
Gave me a medal and a check,
Piped me off as I left the deck.
[verse 2]
Wear my fatigues when I go out,
most of the time I'm all alone.
Don't like noise or neon lights,
need a place to call my home.
[chorus]
People stare at my close-cut hair,
hard to tell, what's right or wrong.
Noise and city just spin my head,
find me a place where I belong.
[piano instrumental 16 bars]
[verse 3]
Car backfires and I start to sweat,
sirens wail, I embrace the dark.
Fears I thought I'd left behind,
only fall away when I'm in the park.
[chorus]
People stare at my close-cut hair,
hard to tell, what's right or wrong.
Noise and city just spin my head,
find me a place where I belong.
[bridge]
Looked around, this wasn't for me,
sold my house, and left the 'hood.
A job in Montana, as a Park Ranger,
No war or noise, just the Redwood.
[chorus]
People stare at my close-cut hair,
hard to tell, what's right or wrong.
Noise and city just spin my head,
find me a place where I belong.
*Hooah!*
[outro banjo instrumental 16 bars]
[fade to end]
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I'm glad you knew you could redo the song in Suno extending your original verses with the new lyric.
It feels like the chorus is melodically very similar to the verses now, though I do like how the new lines in the chorus work.
"Embrace" is better than "run to". What about "cling to"?
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yes cling to is the best, has security/safety vibes like a comfort blanket.
well done
Sid
In case you didn't get a chance to check it out the new audio for this title sounds eerily like the guy out of Passenger!
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I didn't pick the voice so I'm glad you told me who it was.
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That's just your polite way of saying it doesn't sound a bit like him!
ok ok I get it.
Sid
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Actually it's my polite way of saying I've never heard of him!
Groans. Feels like something an old man would say!!
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Howdy, Stranger!