the day they come for you
https://audius.co/sidshovel/the-day-they-come-for-you (right click then open link in new tab,) to open song. lyrics SS : music/vocals Ai
Sensitive Topic: I understand there will be others with alternative views and I respect those, but I am only looking for feedback on the song itself, not a debate on the topic. Please respect my wishes.
[verse 1]
I made a mistake, a big mistake,
searchin', for a way outta this.
Things went South, so fast,
I'm prayin', that it don't last.
[verse 2]
I can't be blamed, for the mess,
nobody, but nobody, saw it comin'.
Promises, flew out the window,
how was I, supposed to know.
[chorus]
Suspendin' habeas corpus,
what's the Orange Man gonna do.
O.K. with all he's doin', until,
the day, they come for you.
[verse 3]
He said, that he would sort it,
first day, that he's in office.
My God, it's ten times worse.
he fixed it, by sendin' a hearse.
[verse 4]
I've taken, to wearin' a mask,
I pretend, I've got the flu.
Scared to open, the door,
it's someone, settlin' a score.
[chorus]
Suspendin' habeas corpus,
what's the Orange Man gonna do.
O.K. with all he's doin', until,
the day, they come for you.
[bridge]
Not alone, there's millions,
no room left, under the rock.
His actions, cost us trillions,
is the nightmare, gonna stop.
[final chorus]
Suspendin' habeas corpus,
what's the Orange Man gonna do.
O.K. with all he's doin', until,
the day, they come for you.
[outro]
I've burnt all my MAGA stuff,
vigilantes are on the loose.
Yes, I curse the Orange Man,
not his head, in the noose.
Comments
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@sidshovel [Content removed by Admin. Only comments on the song structure etc have been requested. Not comments on the content or sentiment - positive or negative]
since it's a political song, either a more dylan or barry mcguire vibe. well done :)
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I think the best lines are:
O.K. with all he's doin', until,
the day, they come for you.
That punches pretty hard and is easily understood.
I'm not convinced "habeas corpus" works in a song. Not sure enough people will understand it without having to look it up. There's a risk of dumbing things down, but also of losing people.
The verses don't flow freely to me. Each one seems to be sung slightly differently, and not smoothly. There's some pretty big pauses in there. I know that's largely on the AI, but it is affected by how many words and syllables are in the lines, and probably where you put the commas as well.
If it were mine, I would re-orient this around a specific example: the neighbor next door being dragged away or something tangible like that. Then the narrator then putting themselves in those shoes.
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@bhengen, @RainyDayMan, Thank you for your thoughts and feedback, gentlemen.
Sid
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@sidshovel Your title certainly stood alone, peeking my interest! Sounds like a great modern country song! Great vocals. And so far as, Habeas Corpus, make 'em look it up! Let it be an education and awakening for those too dumbed-down to know!
Renee 💌
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Wow! @sidshovel - I believe you are at your best when you talk about the Orange man. The authenticity, emotions, and message touched me through my laptop. This is how your songs grab me.
I'm sorry but I love when you write like this. In fact, I encourage it because I'm going to be here to listen.
Well written!
P.S. I don't know what "Habeas Corpus" is. sorry Going to Google. :-)
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@TammyB I guess Owen was right that some of us might need to look up 'Habeas Corpus'.
[Comment removed by Admin. The author has requested no political comments, just comments and suggestions on improving the song]
Renee
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[Comment removed by Admin. The author has requested no political comments, just comments and suggestions on improving the song]
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@HummerWisdom @TammyB , Thank you for taking the trouble to listen and comment, I appreciate your responses very much.
One of the joys of writing songs/lyrics for me is that I learn. I don't mind doing a bit of work for the pleasure of that.
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