Broodin'...
Hello everyone & Happy New Year!
I'm currently working on a chorus line and am very unsure which version is best and what might seem too “generic” or could be improved... I would appreciate it if you could give me your feedback...
Broodin', broodin', broodin'... -sleep has crept under the bed/
Broodin', broodin', broodin'... -scared by the chaos in my head/
Broodin', broodin', broodin'... - all my fears are being fed/
Broodin', broodin', broodin'... -it steals the night, nothing is left/
Brooding, brooding, brooding... -like echoes in my head/
Brooding, brooding, brooding... -how much further will it spread?/
Brooding, brooding, brooding... - all my fears are being fed/
Brooding, brooding, brooding... -Insomnia is bred/
Is it OK to go with “it steals the night, nothing is left” from the chorus? I often think lines are dead and always want to look for original, never-before-seen images. Maybe I get in my own way sometimes, I don't know... When I feel like I've heard something like that somewhere before, it really bothers me... On the other hand, it's kind of okay if it fits well into my personal framework, right? Who knows.
Best regards from Germany! :)
Comments
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IMHO, yeah that's ok. Poetic license allows for partial rhymes, the le in left works partially with bed, head, fed. But if you want to make a perfect rhyme...the word dread comes to mind... "it steals the night and leaves the dread"...write on brother.
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Thank you very much!
I already had “dread,” but “left” is dirtier. However, as you said, the emphasis allows it... Do you like it overall as a chorus?
More importantly, which of the two versions do you prefer?
Many thanks and best regards!
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Hmm, this is one of those situations where I would need to hear the music to pick the favorite chorus. It seems pretty dark. What key is the song in? Do you have the rest of the song written? Could be you can use both...one at the beginning, one at the end kind of thing, as long as music is different from the rest of the song. Again just mho.
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Thank you @StoneFlowers !
I think this new Version is the best...I find them more tangible and better from the pictures. what do you think?
Broodin', broodin', broodin'... -Sleep has crept under the bed/
Broodin', broodin', broodin'...-I'm awake, my legs won't rest/
Broodin', broodin', broodin'...-my fears are waitin' to be fed/
Broodin', broodin', broodin'... -At midnight, doubts are bred/
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Pretty evocative, like something big is causing the broodin. Wonder what it could be...can't wait to hear the rest of the song!
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Thanks a lot! 🙂
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Hello and welcome to the forum!
If you're singing this live, I think it's likely to come out sounding more like broodin' just because that's easier to sing. But I actually like the full 'brooding' version, which might be fine in a studio where you can enunciate clearly.
I like "-sleep has crept under the bed" as the first line, because it sets a context for the following lines. I think the other lines are probably about equal, and you can likely mix and match them as you wish. And as StoneFlowers said, you could probably use them in variations of the chorus if you wanted to.
What I don't like is "-I'm awake, my legs won't rest" 'rest' isn't close enough as a rhyme and it jars for me. But that is just one opinion - something for you to consider, then make up your own mind on.
Overall it feels like it should have tons of atmosphere when it's done.
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Hey!
Thanks again for your feedback! I'm very happy to read that! I'm aware of the “rest” rhyme, but I ultimately decided to go with this version because it reinforces the physical feeling well, and I'm willing to compromise on the imperfect rhyme... With the right emphasis, it doesn't sound so off in the end, at least not enough to be distracting (hopefully 😂)... But I can also imagine varying one or two lines in one of the chorus parts. Let's see how I approach the parts, I'm not quite sure yet...
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Hello, Happy New Year!
Please take my advice with a grain of salt. I'm not a professional or have taken any songwriting classes. But I love the line
Broodin', broodin', broodin'... -it steals the night, nothing is left/
I do not like force rhyming and do not care if the line rhymes or not like many people do. I write what I like and what sounds good. lol. I love poetic lyrics.
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Thanks a lot, Tammy!0
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Broodin’, broodin’, broodin’ through the long black night
Fightin’ ghosts that only show when I kill the light
Every thought’s a loaded gun pointed at my chest
Broodin’, broodin’, broodin’ — I don’t sleep, I wrestle rest
Came up with that
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You need a reason why your brooding
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Howdy, Stranger!