Crystal palace
You can’t decide what’s right or wrong A‘
You can’t see who is weak or strong
Your world is just a little painting
Emptiness? No chance for dating
Never seen the blue coloured sky
You never will until you die
Call you „whitedream“ call you „moonchild“
Never been shy, never been wild. A+
A crystal angel without wings
The cold breeze which the evening brings
There is no hate, no patient love
You’ll never see the sun above
Crystal palace B
There are no worries, there’s no doubt
Crystal palace
And you can’t find your way out
There’s no whisper and no shout
And you can’t find your way out
Out of your Crystal palace
Break the walls. C
And come to me
Break the walls
And you will see
Break the walls
And come to me
Fly and be free
Call you „whitedream“ call you „moonchild“
Never been shy, never been wild. A+(*)
A crystal angel without wings
The cold breeze which the evening brings
There is no hate, no patient love
You’ll never see the sun above
21.08.2006/reworked: 28.09.2023
© by Ian P.
For: FPeee.../Valentine+B
Comments
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I like this Ian. I'll leave a couple of suggestions, but my main feedback is that I think this is a good one.
I'm not sure what a "whitedream" is, but in this song that doesn't matter. It's clearly derogatory and well supported by "moonchild".
I like the image of this person being in a crystal cage, and themselves being crystal. It brings all sorts of associations to mind: being delicate, brittle, beautiful, transparent and perhaps lifeless.
In terms of suggestions, there are a couple of spots where I think you could try for a more specific description:
Your world is just a little painting :: Your world is a miniature painting
Never seen the blue coloured sky :: Never seen the cornflower sky (or cobalt, or turquoise ...)
And this line feels like it's just there for the rhyme: "Emptiness? No chance for dating". That one I think you need to replace.
But overall, it's descriptive and evocative. Good stuff.
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Hey,
Thanks Owen! I really enjoyed your feedback, specially because this one is one of my very very early pieces. I’ll have a closer look on your ideas asap.
The line with the „dating“…your right about not really fitting in, but somehow I wanted to express „the loneliness without a chance to change it“ feeling, there. Anyways I keep my soul open for a better line.
Thanks again!
Ian0 -
This is spacey, I like it0
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Ty Kayla0
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