Last look back
https://audius.co/sidshovel/last-look-back (right click then open link in new tab,) to open song.
lyrics SS : music/vocals Ai
After her release from prison and putting behind her the adventures of "Au revoir to Adios", Rita once again finds herself in another shady relationship.
[verse 1]
First light of dawn, turn off the alarm,
don't want it ringin', wakin' you.
Last night, last love, last time,
the day for my leavin's, due.
[verse 2]
Slide out the sheets real quiet,
feet land gentle on the floor.
Fumblin' with, my clothes an' bag,
move in the shadows to the door.
[chorus]
Last look back, at who I left behind,
spread naked, face down on the bed.
Leavin' Rita, will haunt all my days,
never get the picture, outta ma head.
[verse 3]
Sit on the chair, an' put my boots on,
careful, not to make a sound.
Leave her key, where it's easily found,
When she awakes, I won't be around.
[verse 4]
Gaze over, at her body lyin' there,
naked, the light reflectin' off her skin.
Wonder, which man will take my place,
tears roll down my face, an' off my chin.
[chorus]
Last look back, at who I left behind,
spread naked, face down on the bed.
Leavin' Rita, will haunt all my days,
never get the picture, outta ma head.
[bridge]
My collar up, against the wind an' rain,
I'm never goin', to ever see Rita again.
Those nights, we halved our loneliness,
laughin', we helped each other undress.
[final chorus]
Last look back, at who I left behind,
spread naked, face down on the bed.
Leavin' Rita, will haunt all my days,
never get the picture, outta ma head.
[outro]
I'm fightin' the urge, to turn an' go back,
To bury myself, in those arms once more.
Feel the warmth, her body on mine,
sweet taste of her lips, one last time.
Comments
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@sidshovel - would this sound better instead of -
Slide out the sheets real quiet, -> quietly sliding out of the sheets,
I think it flows into the next line better, which brings me to the next line
If you said - feet landing gently on the floor, makes it more active.
You've already established the naked part, you could find another descriptive word to make the song more dynamic. unless you really like that word :)
I like the country vibe.
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Thanks Bill,
Slide out the sheets real quiet, -> quietly sliding out of the sheets,
I think it flows into the next line better, which brings me to the next line
If you said - feet landing gently on the floor, makes it more active.
Good call, yes it does flow better.
As to naked, well you would have had to be there to appreciate the repetition.
Sid
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Leaves me wondering why is he leaving her? And maybe that's a good thing. keep me thinking about the song.
I like the conversational, down to earth style of it. Seems to fit the characters involved.
First verse is a great example of that:
First light of dawn, turn off the alarm,
don't want it ringin', wakin' you.
and I also really liked this line there as well:
Last night, last love, last time,
Neither of them comes across as shady from this song. Even though he's leaving her, he's returning the key and making sure it's visible, and crying as he's leaving. Makes him seem sensitive and caring.
The chorus has really strong visuals. I imagine him shaking his head there, even though it's not in the lyric.
The only line I would even consider questioning is "Wonder, which man will take my place" as that doesn't feel like something most men would do, but maybe that's just me!
Lovely song, good music and kept me engaged the whole way through.
Thumbs up from me.
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@sidshovel - Cool song, Well written. I like your comment about having to be there when you're talking to Bill about the "naked" line - made me laugh.
Nice music and the melody in the chorus is really good. The outro makes it a little long for radio, but if I had a quarter for every time I've heard that...
Great job.
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@sidshovel yeah, it does kind of zoom in on the aftermath, not the cause which is fine. Can always let listener invent their own pre story
I love that bluesy acoustic riff, and it has great flow to it.
I like the narrator style, yet the narrator is in the story too.
Seems to work, sounds authentic
Stand out line... Those nights, we halved our loneliness, niceeee0 -
Yes, why is he leaving her!!! but meanwhile it's a so relaxing song, a night dressed in calm even having no hours anywhere to give it end.
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Thank you all,
Most of my songs are loosely based on real-life experiences, mainly my own or people I've known.
In this case, a 3 month project, circa mid nineties, middle of China, a place that's hard to pronounce.
There are a lot of people who speak excellent English but don't have the opportunity to practice it, They are happy to provide a free translation service in return for the opportunity to use their English and just talk to you, kind of symbiotic relationship. Back then, China was a bit like the wild west, any foreigner was fair game to be ripped off, good to have someone with you who had your back. You can join the rest of the dots!
I write songs as a hobbyist, with no commercial interests whatsoever. That leaves me free (within reason) to ignore any constraints imposed by other industry norms, e,g, song length, subjects, production standards, etc.
Rita, in this and other songs, I've written but not posted, is a sort of female muse with characteristics that make her a kind of loveable rogue.
If you're interested, here's Rita's prequel, https://audius.co/sidshovel/au-revoir-to-adios
Thank you all for your time and interest, the comments and feedback is invaluable and humbly appreciated.
Sid
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Sid,
You are amazing, Sir! I know this forum is about giving suggestions, but I'm pretty sure I suck at it. Please don't take anything I said as criticism - I just wanted to connect. Your story is yours, and let's be honest - we're all writing songs simply because we love doing it. Trying to get a cut is like hitting yourself in the head with a hammer - only feels good when you stop doing it.
Look forward to hearing more from you - hope I didn't make a bad first impression.
Danny
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Danny, I took no offence whatsoever, so don't change anything.
I only mention my status as an hobbyist for the benefit of the newer members.
There's a few more on the site and you'll get to know those as you go along.
So please, your opinions and time are valued and welcome.
You are clearly a gifted songwriter so please share your thoughts unfettered,
Sid
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Howdy, Stranger!