Egghead (lyrics now, music later)
Here are the lyrics for a new song I'm working on that was inspired by the Humpty Dumpty nursery rhyme as well as the song "Yesterday" from the Beatles. I hope to have a temp recording of the music ready sometime on Sunday and I will post it then.
EGGHEAD
VERSE 1:
There once was an angel
who entered my life.
She made me believe in true
love at first sight.
But I couldn’t see past
my doubts and my fears,
‘cause how could my angel
love someone like me?
CHORUS 1:
And of all the kings horses,
and all the kings men,
they couldn’t make whole
my heart again.
There’s still one piece missing.
She walked out the door
and she’s gone…
…and I just sat there
an egghead, alone.
VERSE 2:
So don’t take for granted
these years of our live’s.
We’ve only few chances
for love to survive.
And when a door opens,
you must walk right through,
or all of life’s wonders
might walk out on you.
CHORUS 2:
‘Cause of all the kings horses,
and all the kings men,
they couldn’t make whole
my heart again.
There’s still one piece missing,
she walked out the door
and she’s gone…
…and I just sat there
an egghead, alone.
INSTRUMENTAL BREAK
CHORUS / OUTRO:
And of all the kings horses,
and all the kings men,
they haven’t made whole
my heart again.
There’s still one piece missing,
she walked out the door
and she’s gone…
…now I just sit here
an egghead, alone.
Comments
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liked the story, liked the rhymes, can't wait to hear the music, see if it all chimes.
Thanks for posting, I think it's very good, well done.
Sid
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There once was an angel
who entered my life.
Strong opening. Gets us to the heart of it right off the bat.
She made me believe in true
love at first sight.
It might be easier for the listener to follow audibly if you arranged it:
She made me believe in true love
at first sight.
but it's possible you want to leave them hanging ambiguously for a second, then let it resolve.
You've written "And of all the kings horses," which I think is a typo and should be "And all of the kings horses".
You're not going to like me saying this, but I don't think "an egghead, alone." works. And that's the title, and probably the whole point of the song. It feels too self-derisive to me, and unjustified by anything that came before. But that could be just me. See what other feedback you get.
Verse 2 switches from the narrator talking about themselves and what happened to a more expository mode, now explicitly talking to the listener. I don't like that change either. I feel like it should stay first person and intimate. So for example I would prefer:
I took for granted
these years of our lives.
and let the listener learn the lesson themselves.
But I do like the overall shape of it, and using the nursery rhyme to convey just how broken the relationship is works for me.
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I agree that "an egghead alone" is not the absolute best way to go. BUT. . . I've had numerous songs in which I had a line that didn't work as good as I like on paper, and when the music came along, it's what people said "You can't change THAT" about. And... I've had songs in which I felt that the lyric wasn't right and many years later, I found what I now consider perfect. We really don't know until we hear it with music AND. . . if it isn't right after the music is provided, then you've got a lifetime to find what is perfect. Heck, I re-write every lyric to some extent after I have music. . . some just a few lines, and some major re-writes. Don't change anything until it's the right time in YOUR process to do so. That's my 'egg headed' advice.
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Great notes everyone.
@RainyDayMan / @Hardtwistmusic you're absolutely right that the line "...and I just sat there an egghead alone" is too tragic an image to hang the whole song on, so what I'm realizing is that the song needs more of an arc, there needs to be a 2nd woman to close out the song and give it a more hopeful sound. This will require me to write a whole new 3rd verse, but I have updated the chorus's below as an example of what I'm thinking.
1ST CHORUS:
And all the king’s horses,
and all the king’s men,
they couldn’t make whole my
heart again.
There was still one piece missing.
She’d walked out the door
and was gone…
…and I’d just sat there
an egghead, alone.
2ND CHORUS:
‘Cause all the king’s horses,
and all the king’s men,
they could never make me
whole again.
It was only a woman
who could make me feel
free and complete…
…an egghead I'd
no longer be.
3RD CHORUS / OUTRO:
And all the kings horses,
and all the kings men,
they hadn’t made me
whole again.
But the world is wondrous place,
don’t you see?
Where even an egghead can
find his queen.
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Ok, here are the full updated lyrics as well as a really rough, scratch recording of just me singing with my guitar: https://soundcloud.com/user-547160600/egghead-scratch-recording
"EGGHEAD"
VERSE 1:
There once was an angel who
entered my life.
She made me believe in young love
at first sight.
But I couldn’t see past my doubts
and my fears,
‘cause how could an angel love
someone like me?
CHORUS 1:
And all the king’s horses,
and all the king’s men,
they couldn’t make whole my
heart again.
There was still one piece missing.
She’d walked out the door
and was gone…
…and I’d just sat there
an egghead, alone.
VERSE 2:
‘Cause I’d taken for granted
those years of my life,
but we’ve only few chances
for love to survive.
So when a door opens,
you must walk right through,
or all of life’s wonders
might walk out on you.
CHORUS 2:
‘Cause all the king’s horses,
and all the king’s men,
they’d never make me
whole again.
It was only a woman
who could make me feel
free and complete…
…an egghead I could
no longer be.
INSTRUMENTAL BREAK
VERSE 3:
Then one day a princess,
as fair as can be,
she told me that she’d had the
same fears as me.
And I realized we all can be
eggheads sometimes,
but that only means we’re all
human inside.
CHORUS / OUTRO:
And all the kings horses,
and all the kings men,
they hadn’t made me
whole again.
But the world is wonderful place,
don’t you see?
Where even an egghead can
find his queen.
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Good job on the rework! I like this version much more.
I like redemption arc, and the set up ahead of the new egghead lines. Much better.
Kudos on being willing to edit and rework. Not everyone is able to step back and look objectively at their efforts.
I like the music. It sounds like it's fairly high in your voice register. You might find it easier dropping it down a semi-tone or tone to really sing out on the highest notes. If you have a DAW, and you record guitar and vocal tracks separately, you could even record the guitar as is and drop it down using the DAW before recording the vocal.
Good stuff!
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Thanks @RainyDayMan yeah it’s 100% better now than it was before.
Re: the range I think I just accidentally sang some A4s when I meant to only go up to F#4 due to not practicing it enough.
Otherwise I could go down to C from D, but the hammer on on the Asus4 chord would be harder to pull off on a Gsus4.0 -
Yes, there's definitely times when it's significantly easier to play in one key vs another. That's why sometimes it can be helpful to drop it down in the DAW post recording, but that only works if the tracks are separated. Guitar usually sounds alright, but vocals often don't. But you've indicated it may not even be an issue by the time you're ready for a final version, so likely not a drama.
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An interesting parallel in my own songs. I wrote a lyric long ago called "Long Lost Stranger." Five re-writes later, and after combining it with another lyric, I find the absolute perfect musical accompaniment, and it has a great sound between the lyric, vocal, and instrumental. BUT. . . everyone who listens says, "It's REALLY depressing. Too Depressing." Arrrrrgh. I can't change anything because it musically works so well, but no one likes it because it's too depressing. Nothing to do but wait and see if a solution comes to me. Probably won't. Oh well. Your original version reminded me of it. 'o)
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Yeah, when I was writing the original version, I was kind of thinking a little too hard about the past relationship. And I got lazy and just kind of repeated the chorus.
The new version is actually more true to reality anyways and a more uplifting message about taking people off of pedestals, rather than just a parable about some sad, loser.
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