Broken Inside Lyrics
Shes all damaged and broken inside
I was taught to never lie
They take our love
And make me want to bury us alive
But why
Do you let this be?
Let people we don't know
Come and disarray between
You and me
You're the one that knocks me off my feet
Now it looks like your standing up for defeat
A tear falls from her eye
Shes all damaged and broken inside
I was taught to never lie
They take our love
And make me want to bury us alive
But why
What is the reason?
I thought all good things in due season
I wasn't lying but you were teasing
What do you get out of not pleasing
And saying your there, but you ain't sneezing
A tear falls from her eye
Shes all damaged and broken inside
I was taught to never lie
They take our love and make me
Want to bury us alive
But
Why?
Comments
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I like the shape of this, good structure.
Really strong opening lines:
A tear falls from her eye
She's all damaged and broken inside
Not sure about this one though: "I was taught to never lie". As a listener I don't why that line is there, and therefore it feels weaker, like it is just there for the rhyme.
I like the next 3 lines. They tell me why the narrator is broken and get to the heart of the story.
This whole section repeats, so it's the chorus, and therefore it's good to have strong lines and the heart of the story in it, which you do.
In the verse you switch perspectives, now talking directly to a significant other rather than in the 3rd person in the chorus. That can work, and I think it's ok here. But this is quite antagonistic to that person, blaming them at least partly for the relationship problems. And I find that a bit confusing as it starts out "They take our love" ie someone else is the problem, but now "you" seem to be the problem. As a song, I think it might be clearer if there was only one problem party. Life of course is messy in reality, and if this is some form of record of actual events then you may want it to reflect those even at the expense of clarity.
I like these lines:
But why
What is the reason?
I thought all good things in due season
and I like how you are repeating "But why?" throughout. This is my take away of the whole song. The narrator doesn't understand why this is happening. And that makes it a good line to finish on the way you have.
So, as a song lyric, I would suggest the following:
Change it all to be in either "you" or "I" no "they" or 3rd person. It will feel more intimate this way. So start with
A tear falls from my eye
I'm all damaged and broken inside
Focus on just the two people in the relationship and their problems. Remove the "they". Make it:
"You take our love
And make me want to bury us alive"
Remove any lines that you can't justify being there:
- I was taught to never lie
- And saying your there, but you ain't sneezing
(though you may know good reasons why those lines should be there that I don't)
But as always, the most important thing is that the song reflects what you want it to say. These are suggestions, but make your own decisions.
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I would drop the word all from the lines too.0
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Just a suggestion; count the syllables in your lines
10
6
10
6
We the corresponding lines have the same number of syllables it is much easier to put to music and generally flows better.0 -
Hi @Kayla813 Really like the jest of this lyric and I agree with much of what Owen/Rainy Day suggested. This is a great start just needs some ironing out the edges. And I wish you and your other the very best. It's either over or can be worked out.
Renee 💌
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Yes your mixing up pronouns
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@Kayla813 Love this lyric and it is a great subject to write about however, I agree with Elvis 'mixing up pronouns' 'cuz the first time around when I read it, I felt the same. I'm wondering if something like the following might work on your opening lines (choruses).
A tear falls from her eye
Shes all damaged and broken inside
They're making our love a lie
Twisting our love
People make me want to bury us alive
But why...
Don't know, Kayla if this is what you're meaning to say but thought I'd try and help,
Renee 💌
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