Know Me (original song)
“Marry a man,” I was told sitting criss-cross applesauce
Planning my future for me, they were the boss
But the blood is infatuated with rushing to my cheeks,
Only when her lips part towards me
They told me everything about me,
To hold in your gut, how to look clean
For whenever he would come
And sweep me off my feet
Her voice infiltrates all of my dreams
That smile grasps my thoughts at the seam
I must stop the yearn for her to be mine
It’s what makes a good girl, to confine
I thought I knew everything about me,
When to keep my mouth shut, the sounds of my sleep
Yet I didn’t want him to come
And sweep me off my feet
I stay silent in a room full of people
My presence suddenly feels illegal
The friendships feel too intense
So I wait for her, sitting alone on a broken bench
I think I value others more than myself,
I wouldn’t dare to put me on the highest shelf,
But my love can’t be chosen by those
Who leave my biggest wounds exposed
You know everything about me,
The conversations go rut, our whispers creep
I only wanted her to come
And sweep me off my feet
Comments
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This is basically a good lyric imo. It puts us inside your (or the singer's) head. I felt like I was thinking along with her. It has an honesty and an intimacy that drew me in. Not many lyrics do that.
There are a couple of lines that I'm not so enthusiastic about....
But the blood is infatuated with rushing to my cheeks - This use of "infatuated" feels a bit awkward. Having said that, the word is pleasing to sing somehow, so it might work :)
I must stop the yearn for her to be mine - I don't think "yearn" can be used as a noun. "Yearning" can, and works just as well. You might substitute "break" for "stop." It's stronger, suggests how difficult it is.
It’s what makes a good girl, to confine - This feels like a forced rhyme with the previous line.
A lot will depend on the music. I'm hearing a simple guitar accompaniment.
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I would like to hear this song composed. I know it would sound great with these written lyrics.
Good writing and I agree with Gavin about forced rhyme. I'd rather skip it than force it and not every line has to rhyme (IMHO).
Overall, good job and keep up the great work!
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Hey, I'm not suggesting abandoning the rhyme - just finding a better one that says more and doesn't seem forced :)
Not every line in every song has to rhyme, but I'm one of those old-fashioned types who thinks it's almost always better when they do LOL.
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I think the shape of the song is all there. It has a raw power, and I would second Gavin's comment about honesty and intimacy.
What it needs now is to be set to music. Then you can make any fine adjustments to fit the meter, cadence or rhyme.
I'm imagining a hip-hop style for this one - but that's up to you!
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I'll be the odd man out , this song makes no sense . You have to many pronouns going on. You need to be clear who's talking to who, If your not going to say it in a normal conversation , don't say it in a song
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@bananapudding I get the gist of what your message. even though criss-cross applesauce is catchy, I'd drop the applesauce. I agree with gavin, yearn seems a bit awkward, crave or desire might be better. If it helps, this is the site I use to come up with alternate words - www.rhymezone.com.
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I have no idea who's talking to who . to many pronouns. You need it perfectly clear on the story . commercial songs make billions , abstract ideas , zero
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